Bag Balm

First off, my apologies for being rather absent lately. This blog has had to play something like sixth fiddle to a bunch of other things. One of those things was, well, something I am reluctant to write about but that often affects cyclists... saddle sores. The last time I wrote about Anti Monkey Butt I blithely mentioned that I had never had any need of a chamois cream. I will never be blithe about the subject ever again, because as some of my readers reminded me back then, an unhappy undercarriage can be a serious business, which I have learned personally over the last couple of weeks.

While I was away during March I took a vacation in a hot and sunny place where I developed a minor heat rash in the final days despite the use of the aforementioned Anti Monkey Butt powder. No big deal until I had a couple of very cold wet rainy rides upon my return. Long story short and hoping to avoid Too Much Information, I spent most of the last week getting things calmed down and sorted out. All is well now, but I never want to go there again. I consulted some bike forums about what people preferred. It seemed to me that 2 products dominated the chamois cream discussion, Assos Chamois Creme and Bag Balm.

I have no doubt that the good people at Assos have developed a very good product because lots of cyclists seem to swear by it. Lots of cyclists also seem to swear by Bag Balm, though, which costs considerably less and was originally intended for use on cows' udders. Cows' Udders!

I know that this stuff is already familiar to many of you, and there is no novelty factor. You should probably just leave now, because I am obsessed with this stuff today. Mrs. Rantwick has long known of this product and its many uses by humans. My excitement annoys her slightly because I'm acting like it is my special discovery. I like that, so I talk about the stuff even more just for her. Here is some of the cow-related info found on the tin:

"... for bunches, caked bags, cuts, sore teats, chapping and inflammation"

"Active Ingredients: 8-Hydroxyquinoline Sulfate 0.3% in a Petrolatum, Lanolin Base"

I have revelled in reading this kind of thing to Mrs. Rantwick and my children as only a pre-pubescent naughty boy should. I am a grown man, but not when I read this stuff... Caked bags! Sore teats! Hydroxyquinoline! HAHAHA hahahaha! I know how juvenile and lame that is, but I'm afraid I can't help it. Judge me, and punish me if you can! You are not the boss of me...

There are no instructions for my intended purpose, because the stuff is not marketed or approved for human use despite the fact that people have used it for a hundred years for all kinds of things.

I am tempted to add a couple of drops of Tea Tree Oil or Vitamin E or both just because I can never leave well enough alone, but I'll resist any mad scientist urges for now. Straight ahead Bag Balm is the stuff I'll be using in the hopes of preventing any more trouble. I would say wish me luck, but that would just be super weird and as you know I avoid being weird at all costs.

Wishing You All Glowing and Happy Udders,

R A N T W I C K


PS - I can't see myself as a cow without remembering this most excellent dinosaur head submission from Big Oak what seems like ages ago in 2009...