Have you seen these? I'm sure you have if I have here in conservative, boring old London Ontario. I try to avoid being a hater, you know. I'm no better than anyone else; I have no particular right to hate these cars. But I do. I just do. My Mother always told us that hate is a very strong word, to be used with great reluctance. She was, of course, correct. I will therefore downgrade my previous statement to "I find these cars terribly distasteful". I think you can tell from my spontaneous reactions...
But come on, cars that intentionally create a contact patch the width of a bike tire by tilting the wheels in a way that surely puts all kinds of wrong stresses on the car, sacrifices traction and likely destroys tires? Are you #%^1n' Kiddin' Me?
Well, I've been watching TV commercials and getting annoyed again. This time it is a brand that many cyclists (especially the tech gear lovers) know well, Garmin. Here's the commercial:
OK, so where to start. First, the small, personal annoyance: Why does it appear to be effective marketing to paint spouses (wives in particular) as annoying shrews with these "honey-do" lists?
Hey, don't blame me. It's Garmin's commercial.
Even the phrase "honey-do" pisses me off. People seem to like a homonym for something like honeydew, I guess, but that's no excuse. We all have shit to do, for our families, our friends, ourselves and sometimes even, god forbid, for our spouses! WTF is wrong with that? I'll bet you a gazillion dollars that men who feel hard done by because they have chores or errands to do are also pampered little assholes who married clones of their fawning mothers rather than somebody they could respect for doing a hell of a lot more than pulling their own weight, as most wives and Moms I know do. Grrrr. Honey-do. Bah. Urg.
Now, let's turn to the more obvious problem with this commercial. To quote the commercial: It's an insane amount of stuff, so you can do the one thing you're supposed to do: Drive.
Are You #%^1n' Kiddin' Me? How does an "insane amount of stuff" help you concentrate on driving? Is putting all the distractions of your phone on your dash so you can see them occurring much less distracting? I don't think so, and neither does the cartoon man in the commercial. Where is he looking as he travels along being annoyed by his wife? At his Garmin! Look!
And then he's
Then, at the end when he's supposed to be "doing the one thing you're supposed to do: Drive", he's still not right...
Sorry, cartoon man, but I need to re-arrange your face!
I lacked the skills to turn his head, but you get my drift.
Now as an added and completely unrelated bonus, I took this picture of my TV a good while ago:
All I inferred from this commercial is that people who rush in to Honda sales events are so stupid they don't know how to carry a pizza. So sad. Thanks for reading! Yer Pal,
I used to think the Royal Canadian Mint was a kind of cool institution. I imagined serious, expert engravers and artists crafting collector and circulation coins that would have real cultural meaning to Canadians.
Apparently American cartoons now fit that description.
When I first saw that ad I thought it must be some kind of sneaky poser mint pretending to be the Real mint. Not so. The Real mint has gone into the cheesy licensed image collector coin business. I don't know why this seems like a betrayal to me, but it really does. I have no doubt that the Mint employs many wonderful people with very well developed artistic, historical and cultural sensibilities. If this kind of crap pains me as a proud Canadian, I can only imagine what it is doing to them. I guess I should be glad the Canadian mint isn't doing Disney Princess coins. They're just reselling the New Zealand mint's Disney Princess Coins:
Is this what the producers of legal currency around the world have come to? For God's sake, why? I mean, WHY? AAARRGGHH! Are You #%^1n' Kiddin' Me?
Yer Pal,
R A N T W I C K PS - I sure didn't think so, but I guess there's a chance that the Mint has been involved in this kind of thing for decades. If so, it doesn't make it any less repugnant to me. PPS - Now I see that thanks to my searching on the topic to see if anyone else was incensed, there's an ad on my site (I don't exactly pick 'em) to go buy one of these damn things! Insult, meet injury and irony. PPS - I feel the need to report that upon typing the words "injury and irony" above, the tune "ebony and ivory" sprung to mind. I am trying to stop myself from composing a full damn word-substitution Weird Al - style "Injury and Irony" song right now. Wish me luck.
I can not stand it when commercials make strange illogical connections between things. Check this out:
Did you catch that?"Gillette wanted to see how far one ProGlide cartridge could go, so they sent me around the world to find out." What? Hang on. Let me get this straight. For the viewer to believe this bit of ad copy, they also would have to believe that the good people at Gillette are extraordinarily stupid. You see, the only way a distance test works is when the product or item in question is worn by travelling said distance. Like a brake pad, for instance. This should be abundantly clear to all thinking humans. Somehow I just can't see executives at Gillette saying to themselves, "I wonder how this razor will perform after a long flight in a jet plane? I know those damn flights sure wear me out!"
Turns out, Gillette is actually advertising how long a cartridge will last (5 weeks, impressive!) rather than far it can go. So why send it on a journey with some good lookin' dude? The answer is clear: to make a commercial, of course! Trouble is, when they (or, more accurately, some ad agency) make this stupid illogical connection, they are banking on the fact that television viewers are too zoned out and tube worn to even notice the insult to their intelligence. Were the people who approved this campaign zoned out too? Maybe, I guess. I kind of hope so, because otherwise they noticed the bad logic and just didn't care. Why not, right? Many commercials do this kind of thing and slip by without us noticing. Well, on this occasion, I noticed, and I have to say hey Gillette, Are You #%^1n' Kiddin' Me? Using that logic if you really want to impress me with how far your cartridge can go, make it a little heavier and do a throwing comparison! I bet with just a couple of ounces of ballast the proglide could go WAY farther than the competition! Or wait, maybe you could strap one to the next Mars rover! That one would go really far! That would the best razor ever made, I mean, look how far it goes!
I've been driving my family a little crazy with my obsessive behaviour surrounding this commercial:
The stuff being advertised here is being called a "water enhancer" by the company who makes it. Every time that guy says "it really changes your water", I scream "YES, it changes your water into juice!" at the TV. My family used to just laugh, but now they are beginning to find it tiresome. Nonetheless, I can't seem to let it go.
I have nothing against this product, but for some stupid reason I can't just let this "water enhancer" angle slide. I mean, what is the real difference between this stuff and:
Sure, the chemicals and artificial flavours and sweeteners may have changed, but how the hell is this stuff really any different? When you add a flavoured syrup or powder to water, you have made juice. Crappy juice, but juice.
This is a pretty minor thing, I know, so this instance of "Are You #%^1n' Kiddin' Me?" should probably read "Are You #%^1n' Kiddin' Me, Rantwick? I mean, how can this matter to you or anyone else?" But you know, I've already, like, written some stuff. So that's where we are.
This installment of "Are You #%^1n' Kiddin' Me" made me feel that way three times over. Here's how it went.
I saw a commercial on TV recently that I really liked:
I liked it because I thought, "Are You #%^1n' Kiddin' Me? That guy just said "Yes, the money's expensive, but there's no collateral""! That kind of candor isn't something you normally ever see in a commercial. Cool.
When I went on youtube to find it, the comments made me want to throw up. There were a bunch of stupid racist comments about Native people. I know I shouldn't have been surprised... comments sections on big sites like youtube seem to bring out all the worst and dimmest rather than the best and brightest. Just the same, Are You #%^1n' Kiddin' Me? In 2011? Really?
I was, of course, intrigued by this straight-shooting lender. That dude said right out that the money was expensive. How expensive? I went to their website to find out:
I'm not gonna say it a third time. I will also leave you to do some of the math. I agree with the guy in the commercial. Keep the costs down by paying it off as fast as you can. Like, really really fast. Really.
Sometimes news coverage just makes me want to scream. I don't mind a little fluff or human interest stuff, but the chosen lead stories sometimes leave me really angry. Thankfully here in Canada we have the CBC (Canadian Broadcasting Corporation). Far from perfect, at least CBC News usually leads off with something that might matter to thinking people.
Global News Toronto, on the other hand, often makes rather different calls. This was their lead story on the late news last night.
Perhaps they have a policy of starting with Local news, then National, then International. That's cool. But how and why does a girl getting kicked out of class for a dress code violation trump a fatal house fire, or anything else? How is that News? I mean, Are You #%^&1n' Kiddin' Me? Next I guess they will do a four part series on what some teenagers are hiding in their lockers. For the record, the four parts should cover booze, smokes, drugs and lurid bikini photos. Shocking. It's just shocking.
I guess I shouldn't expect much from a News Provider that puts issues up on Twitter and then reports on air what all the insightful people out on the Internets have to say about it. I guess it is just a natural extension of the "man on the street" interview, but those bug me too. Why the hell would I want the opinion of some joker who gets stopped on the street over an expert who might enlighten me in some way? If I wanted to hear people's personal and random and oh so human opinions, I would start a stupid blog or something or at least read other people's stupid blogs. I mean, sheesh!
This time I'm not on about a single product or advertisement, but rather an advertising trend. 3D. As most of you may have noticed, 3D movies are once again a big deal. TV makers are now offering 3D models. 3D is where its at.
My problem isn't with that stuff, although I have found most 3D stuff as underwhelming as it ever was. My problem is the application of a "3D" badge to things that just don't make sense.
I bought this stuff the other day because it was on sale. The 3D thing bugged me but I figured there would be some explanation on the label somewhere. There wasn't. So, like anyone with a little sprinkle of OCD and a dash of crabbiness, I went looking for an explanation online.
Henkel, the makers of Right Guard, explained a little on their UK web site: "Right Guard's high performance 3D formula provides three dimensions of protection: It fights perspiration, prevents odour and releases freshness throughout the day for maximum confidence." Well, at least there was some feeble attempt at justifying the 3D thing. Strangely, I didn't see any such ad copy on the North American site. Just this: "Right Guard Sport 3D Odor Defense provides 24 hour protection, sweat blockers, and odor blockers." OK then.
As a side note, I learned that the makers of Right Guard and Soft&Dry also make industrial adhesives and sealants, Loctite among them. Huh! Hope they never have a mix up at the plant!
Already having a chip on my shoulder about my 3D antiperspirant, I then saw this ad for Crest 3D Whitestrips:
Never mind the fact that I hate commercials that use weddings and wedding dresses and all that emotionally loaded crap to sell stuff. Once again, I just wanted some sort of rationale for the "3D" thing that I didn't get.
So, once again, off to the web site! I found a link there calledThe 3D White Story . Excellent! Surely that would explain the 3D thing! Well, no, not really. Or at all. Like the Right Guard stuff, they did mention three things right off the top, but didn't even use the word "dimensions".
"What is a 3D White Smile?
A 3D White smile is a smile that turns heads. It’s magnetic, alluring, and most importantly, attainable."
In fact, I used Google to search the entire 3dwhite.com site for the word "dimensions" or "dimension" and got nothing.
Did you know you could search an individual web site using Google? I didn't until recently when I saw a friend of mine do it. Use the following syntax in the Google search box:
yoursearchword site:www.website.com
So anyway, I'm ticked that companies are slapping "3D" on things without really even trying to explain how it might specifically apply to that thing any more than other things. Because physical objects, including health and beauty products, are all in 3D. My house is full of 3D furniture, I ate 3D toast this morning and rode my 3D bike to work today. My kids are in glorious full motion high definition 3D, sharply displayed in every conceivable colour available to the human eye. 3D antiperspirant and toothpaste? Are You #%^&1n' Kiddin' Me?
It is a very good thing that bicycles are in 3D. I mean, imagine the wedgie...
There's an ad that has been running for a while that drives me insane every time I see it. I suppose everybody wants to feel young, or at least younger. But this?
Come on! I guess I could handle some sort of other condiment, say, salsa or something, being characterized as edgy. This, however, is Miracle Whip. Saying that Miracle Whip is cooler or more hip than almost anything else on the planet, including mayo, is the stupidest idea I've seen in a long long time.
Normally I would drift off into a tangential discussion of some kind, but this ad leaves me feeling so crusty I'm just gonna leave it there. Sandwich spreads are not people, nor are they loud, or hardcore. I mean, really... Are You #%^&1n' Kiddin' Me?
Spread the Love,
R A N T W I C K
PS - Always late to the party, I now realize that many others, some with actual audiences, have already made fun of these commercials. It would seem I am completely lacking in tangy zip, because I posted this anyway. Oh, one more thing: who the hell uses polaroid cameras any more? Where does she buy film? Don't all cool young people own iphones? And where are the fixies? Don't ad executives know what's hip? Man, I really am clueless.
I saw this ad on TV recently. I am heavily skeptical.
Here's something from their website:
"hmm..." and highlighting added by me, in case you're dead stupid.
"Results May Vary" seems to be a popular claim among charlatans. Are you hearing me "Ab Exploder" and "Extenze-a-lator"? Are you? AAARRGGGH.
I can believe claims of attracting more birds than other brands, like by producing the birdseed with a loving approach rather than a nihilistic one, (since birds prefer love over nihilism) or perhaps by using some industrial espionage and installing nihilists as employees for your birdseed producing competition. But 2X as many colourful birds? Wah? Are colourful birds attracted to different foods than their more plain cousins? I suppose it could be possible, but somebody would have to show me the data and methodology on this one.
Maybe it was "leaked" (on purpose, perhaps?) that they were making a commercial that day, so all the colourful and bizarre wanna-be Hollywood bird stars came out like it was America's Birds' Got Talent or something.
Oh man, Wait! What if the birdseed works by poisoning the non-colourful birds? That would be terrible. Attractive birds (and people) already have an advantage over the more typical and/or ugly. Killing off the plain birds just seems like adding insult (i.e. death) to injury to me. I'm sure that isn't how the birdseed works. Maybe that's why I don't see certain cartoons on the air any more. They resulted in grownups like me having unhealthy, strange thoughts.
Alright, enough with my crazy and dark thoughts of death by birdseed. A nice big responsible corporation would never dream of such a thing because big corporations care about us and our winged backyard buddies.
I know I'm going out on a limb with this one; there is a possibility that these claims are correct and there is real science to back them up. Ornithologists professional and amateur, please come to my aid in reducing the incredulity that has prompted me to exclaim, "Are You #%^&1n' Kiddin' Me?" once more.
I am starting yet another series, this one aimed at stuff I see on TV that I simply cannot accept. This time it is an offering that prevents us from contacting the germs on our soap. Stuff like this just makes me want to scream.
Are we really so frightened of germs that we must kill the ones on our soap pumps, the ones that only have seconds to live anyway because we are washing our hands with antibacterial soap? I pity the fearful people who are willing to buy this kind of thing. If you are one of them, sorry, but Are You #%^&1n' Kiddin' Me? I pity you too.
R A N T W I C K 
