Patently Joyless

Yes, I've been back at the patent office again. It is a sickness, I know. Just the same, it is a treasure trove of great ideas. For sneering judgemental blog posts by yours truly, mostly. And to add to the already psychotic excitement of a patent search, I scooped a patent that was issued today. Did you catch that? TODAY! It is a proud and indescribable thing, kind of like the day you learned to ride a bike.

Remember the first time you successfully rode a bike? Odds are you were thrilled by the feeling of accelerating away from Mom or Dad or whoever, finally able to propel yourself into a brave and exciting new world. I remember my brothers and sisters "teaching" me to ride... it did not involve training wheels or anything. They would push me along on a bike a little too big for me, get me pedaling, give me a good shove and see how far I got before I crashed, which I did quite a lot. I was fond of heading for somebody's lawn as soon as I felt too wobbly, so most of the time I just wiped out on the grass. Helmet? Nah. Quiet street with no cars? Yah. I consider the first time I made it to the end of the short block and successfully turned around to make my way back without crashing the day I learned to ride a bike. I was proud. I was relieved. I was elated. I felt like this:

I'm a sucker for laughing babies, but I used the above clip because I couldn't find any video of really happy kids on bikes. I wonder why? I may have found a clue... in today's climate of fretful and fearful parenting, letting a kid even get out of reach is a frightening loss of protective control. So, rather than allowing a child to feel in any way capable or free or, or God help us, unsupervised, somebody figured out how to suck all of the joy out of learning to ride a bike.

click image to enlarge

I don't know why they didn't picture a modern kid's bike. I guess patent diagrams are not the right setting for levity or youthfulness, and neither is learning to ride a bike.

Go Johnny, go! Ooh, Johnny, you're doing it! Well, wait, don't try to go fast! Hang on, you're more than 30' away from me! What, do you expect me to run or something? You ungrateful little risk-taking lunatic! You could have been hurt! There's got to be a better way... ahah! (Insert light bulb here)

I'm all for protecting children from real dangers. I would suggest teaching your kid to ride a bike someplace safe that allows them to actually get away from you a little bit. My guess is that if you're the type to put a leash on a bicycle, they might really like that.

Keep It Under Control until next time,

R A N T W I C K

Saddle Up: Pleasure and Pain at the US Patent Office

I've been browsing at the patent office again. Despite the title of this post, let's start with the pain. It would seem that some would prefer to sit while they stand!

Patent #7331595 - Auxiliary bicycle seat for stand-up uphill pedaling support

From the Abstract: An auxiliary hill climbing bicycle seat is formed from a T-shaped tubular structure attached, preferably by welding, to a bicycle cross bar. A narrow foam padding and a cover over the T-shaped pipe form a narrow auxiliary hill climbing seat positioned in front of the regular seat directly over the pedals in an elevated position higher than the regular seat.

I have just a couple of observations beyond the most obvious ones that include "oof!" and "why?" Once this thing is installed, how do you stop for a minute or get off your bike? Since it is installed preferably by welding, do you have one bike to get to the hill, and another to climb it? I have more questions, but I'm sure you do too. Let's move on to matters more pleasant.

Patent #7108667 - Bicycle saddle with vibrating massager

From the Abstract: An improved bicycle saddle having a shell which supports at least one battery operated vibrator. When the vibrator is energized, its vibration causes the shell and therefore the bicycle seat to vibrate. The vibrator has an on/off switch so that it may be turned on periodically by the rider to improve the comfort of the bicycle saddle.

I'm just gonna let you fill in the blanks here, because I can't think of much to say that wouldn't be beneath me and the lofty goals of this blog. Well, wait. Maybe I do want to say a couple of things. At least one?! How many seat-based vibrators does any one person need? Turned on periodically? I know if I decided to obtain such a magic bicycle saddle, I would have it on full blast, all the time, mm hmmm, oh baby... That is, of course, if something like this appealed to me.

Yer Pal,

R A N T W I C K