I Find Dignity in World Naked Bike Rides

WARNING: The following content contains a text link to a video that may not be safe for work or children, depending on where you work and what kind of children you've got. I don't think it's so bad, but I'm just one person, and so you have been warned just in case.

If you're into cycling stuff, there is a good chance you have heard of the Naked Bike Rides that appear to be gaining in popularity around the globe. For me, riding naked just sounds painful, and as someone who can't handle exposing even a hint of butt crack, I can't get into the idea myself. That said, I have no problem with others who might get a thrill from getting naked in public; whatever floats your boat, you know? I can also appreciate that many people want to protest the dominance of cars and reliance on oil. What leaves me scratching my head is how the two could be related. Since I'm always up for a little enlightenment, I googled up the World Naked Bike Ride web site:

Sadly, the road to enlightement can be a confusing one. The mission-statement-like blurb in the centre of the main page left me as puzzled as ever. Perhaps in reviewing it you, my intelligent reader, can help me understand. First, the answer to my primary question, "why naked"?

So the naked bike rides are all about defending ones dignity! What? Maybe the guy in this youtube video could explain.

What could be more dignified and natural than naked roadside bicycle repair? Well, lots of things I can think of, but to each his own, I guess. All I can say is that maybe the logo found on the WNBR web site doesn't mean what I thought it did... it looks different to me now somehow...

So, anyway, we left off at "We face automobile traffic with our naked bodies as the best way of defending our dignity". And?

I'm just guessing here, but I think they are really only exposing the unique dangers faced by naked cyclists and pedestrians. The dangers faced by clothed cyclists and pedestrians aren't unique in the same way, I don't think... I must be missing something. There has got to be an "as well as" to this phenomenon...

So the nudity is a way of exposing the negative consequences we all face due to dependence on oil? What? How? Huh?

Having none of my questions answered to my satisfaction, I was simply left standing naked in the men's department at enlightenment-mart, with only this new question to hide behind: If you think it would be empowering or a hoot or whatever to get a group together for a bike ride, why do you have to attach it to a form of protest? Why not just get naked and go? And then it hit me!

If it's not a protest, it's just a bunch of people getting naked because they feel like celebrating bikes and the human body, and in lots of places that'll get you arrested! Huh! That's pretty clever, I think. And who, you may ask, is the Clever Originator of these rides? A fellow Canadian from Vancouver BC by the name of Conrad Schmidt. Believe it or not, Conrad and I have more than our citizenship in common! I am a Clever Originator of something too!

Did you notice that "engergy" typo at the end of the central statement? I was going to get snarky about it, but then I thought, "hey wait, that may be some new word in the naked environmentalist's lexicon! You know..."

I tried googling it, and nothing came up. I checked the online slang dictionary, no joy. That's good enough for me. I, Rantwick, hereby stake my claim as the Originator of the slang word "engergy", meaning energy sources used by combustion engines! Somehow, I feel more important now... almost... Dignified!

Thank you, Conrad Schmidt! Thank you, WNBR!

Yer Pal,
R A N T W I C K

PS - After writing pretty much this whole thing I found another web page that contains a lot of answers to practical and other questions about naked bike ride events around the world. Nothing enlightening in the way I had been hoping, but better information than that main page anyway. That FAQ can be found here.

Without Sunglasses, I Fall Over.

I experienced an embarrassing fall last Thursday, and thanks to some sort of bizarre personality disorder, I feel compelled to write about it in detail on the Internet rather than just suck it up and hope too many people didn't see. I didn't have the camera mounted that morning (arg!), so I will have to make do with a long-winded description of events, beginning with some introductory groundwork:

1) The day began poorly. When I started getting my stuff on to leave the house, I discovered that my customizer had worked some more on my sunglasses. I thought they were perfect the way they were, and said work was non-commissioned. My customizer further reduced the weight of the sunglasses, but in so doing, decided that they no longer needed to be integrated, which was really one of their best features. Now in three or four pieces, I could no longer work out how to use them, and my customizer wouldn't tell me. I left the house with no glasses.

2) I am a lazy, lazy person. When I was a kid, I was forever getting in trouble for pulling my shoes on and off without untying them. My parents said it would wreck my shoes, which indeed it does. I still do it, at the cost of ruining shoes more quickly than necessary.

3) I have never learned to trackstand. Many fixed gear riders figure out how to trackstand at some point, since it is easier on such a bike. I can achieve just-barely moving status, but I can't stop fully and stay clipped in. Thanks to my aforementioned laziness, I have never tried to master a proper trackstand, so it is no surprise that I don't know how yet.

4) VC (Vehicular Cycling) concepts have taken over some parts of my brain. At intersections, I behave as a car or motorcycle would. This is a very good thing.

So Here's What Happened:

Riding along without glasses is just no good, especially when you are as blazing fast as I am. Tears streaming out of the outer corners of my eyes, I arrived at a 4 way stop right near South St. Hospital. There was only one other car to wait for, since they got there first, by a good second or two. They did not proceed, and instead sat there, looking at me. I was sitting there doing my almost-track-stand. I motioned for them to proceed, but they did not, instead gesturing that I should. It was too late. My almost-track-stand was out of time, and I started to fall over. I got my usual first foot out of the pedal quick enough, but I was falling the other way, and I couldn't get out of the other pedal, because my foot was drifting around in my worn out, loosely tied shoe, unable to disengage the cleat. I got out of that pedal on my way down, but I was beyond saving by then.

The people in a few cars behind me, a bunch of people at a bus stop and of course the two people in the car who had waited for me all watched a grown man (who appeared to be crying) gracelessly struggle to stay upright and fall jerkily to the ground. I was completely unhurt, not a scratch.

Go and figure. I fall immediately outside a hospital, and don't get hurt at all. Anyway, I raised myself and my bike from the pavement with the kind of speed that is only attainable by the highly embarrassed, banged my front wheel on the ground in anger, and rode off. As I was getting up, the woman in the passenger seat of the courteous car was looking at me with a big fat grin on her face as they finally passed through the intersection. At the time it made me angry. Now, however, I am not. What isn't funny about watching a 200 pound man in spandex shorts and reflective stuff fall over while at a dead stop? Nothing, that's what. Man, I wish I had video.

Thanks for reading! I still can't trackstand, but my slothful ways with my shoes have been mended (for now at least), and my new cheap sunglasses are kept well away from my customizer. He's gone over the edge. Such a shame...

Keep it upright; You're Much Cooler That Way.

R A N T W I C K