No Matter How You Say It

Products intended for use on your nether regions have names that sound stupid or weird. I suppose that is a simple function of trying to name something nobody wants to talk about. Let's take a quick look at the ones aimed at cyclists. I've never used any of these products and I hope I never have to. I'm not really interested in which ones work best or anything like that (I suppose I will be if I ever need the stuff); a recent discovery that I'll get to in a minute has sent me into this review of the funky names.

DZ Nuts - Dave Zabriskie's chamois cream. Somebody naming a product after their own nethers has got to be a sign that naming such items is difficult. The fact that people are quite willing and able to use something named after somebody else's junk is puzzling to me.

Beljum Hard Core Budder - Perhaps the suggestion that the product is "Hard Core" makes people feel a little tougher or serious about cycling or whatever. I don't know. I do know that applying this stuff would not make me feel all Marlboro Man though.

Chamois Butt'r Eurostyle - Word play on Butt and Butter. I guess it helps avoid the distasteful notion of applying foodstuffs to your privates. I wonder what makes it "Eurostyle"? European styling helps to sell all kinds of things, I suppose. I guess anything that makes such substances seem more cultured or refined helps people forget the ugly truth of its purpose.

Assos Chamois Creme - Assos decided to just play it straight, since any word play combined with their unfortunate company name would probably just result in something unsellable.

Betwixt - I think this is perhaps the classiest name for such things that I found in my brief search. Kudos to whoever came up with this subtle and simple name.

Like I said earlier, I (or more accurately, my 8 year old son) made a discovery at a local drug store recently that got me thinking about the difficulties of naming such things. Mrs. Rantwick and I were looking at something else when our boy exclaimed "hey, look at the Anti Monkey Butt!" We began shushing him and were preparing to scold him for his crude turn of phrase when we followed his pointing finger to this:

What can I say, the kid has an eye for intriguing products. Mrs. Rantwick and I, being the lovers of all things odd that we are, immediately scooped up the 4 containers available on the shelf, because nothing says Merry Christmas to friends and family like a $6 bottle of Anti Monkey Butt. My Mom is gonna love it.

While not strictly for cycling and a powder rather than a cream, Anti Monkey Butt lists cycling as one of its best uses. Being curious about which company might use such cutting edge marketing, I checked the small print on the label. I didn't get the satisfaction of linking Anti Monkey Butt to some big manufacturer; I got something better. It is produced by Anti Monkey Butt Corp. I went to their website and found some excellent and bizarre stuff, including videos! Check them out: Video 1 Video 2. I love this company. They are obviously being funny as a method of marketing their hard to market product, but what I like best is that they aren't trying to be cool in any way. They are the reverse of cool, which is cool.

I guess I should state for the record that I am not affiliated with Anti Monkey Butt Corp, and that I have received absolutely nothing in return for posting about their product. I also have no idea if the stuff works. I just like the approach. It speaks directly to my inner 8 year old, and managed to do so directly through my actual 8 year old!

If you live in London, please don't go buy all the Anti Monkey Butt you can find. That's my plan.

R A N T W I C K

PS - For those of you about to comment about the prevention of saddle sores being very important to competitive or long-range cyclists and no laughing matter, etc., I know. I just wanted a cycling-related way to introduce my discovery of Anti Monkey Butt, so forgive me.

Encounters with Rantwick, episode ten: Industrial Bright And Tragic

My cycling specific garb for winter riding has been joined by several bits of industrial work wear lately, three bits to be precise. One thing I've begun wearing only recently is a pair of clear safety glasses:

I really like my clear goggles for cold weather riding, but that's the problem. This year it has become dark during my commute without becoming cold enough to warrant the goggles, which can be quite warm when you're working much. So, I tried the clear safety glasses, and I must say I quite like them.

The next item is one that I haven't really felt the need to use until recently. My work has had me commute to some new and different locations lately, some of which force me to ride on some roads that most sensible cyclists would rather avoid. I wasn't feeling quite visible enough some of the time on these roads, so I added a reflective vest to my usual getup:

I must say that I like what the vest does, but I hate wearing it. It makes me feel like a nerd, which is totally stupid because Mutant Winter with her pink cables and plastic tub have already completely established that I AM a nerd, so why should I care? Perhaps I attach more importance to clothing; after all "clothes make the man", right? If that's true, do "gloves make the hands"?

I've never really believed that specialty mitts or gloves, like "lobster claws" and stuff like that were necessary for winter riding, as evidenced by the stuff I was forced to retire thanks to being worn out:

I've only had those $5 gloves for about a month! I must have super strong thumbs. Damn video games!

I came across my replacements when I was at a work wear place buying jeans. I am really excited about these (not a nerd. right.) because they may well be the perfect winter cycling glove despite the fact that they were not designed for the purpose:

They are fuzzy on the inside, the backs are a knit material and the palms and fingers are rubberized. They are extremely grippy on the handlebars regardless of weather conditions. Last but not least, they are really hi-vis! I have read Steve A and others talk about lights to make wrists or hands visible so that their signals don't get missed; these wouldn't do in the summer of course, but in the dark of winter when these things might matter most, I think they are a pretty darn good solution. Last but not least, they were $16. But never mind all that. These things make me look cool, because they make my hands and fingers look like those of Master Shake:

If you don't know who Master Shake is, shame on you. You are so un-cool. I didn't know who he was either, but a young colleague of mine said my hands looked like his in those gloves, so I looked him up. I don't get the channel needed to watch Aqua Teen Hunger Force, but I really wish I did... it seems like my kind of strangeness.

OK, where was I? Ah yes, I was stylin' in my industrial evolution:

So, I am Industrial Bright and lookin' special. Where's the Tragic? I was in my full industrial bright splendour when the following occurred:

The tragedy lies not in the fact that the truck driver didn't like me being where I was and using his air horn. The tragedy is that for reasons I can't explain, I lost my temper and flipped him off very clearly with my new hi-vis finger held high for his rear-view mirror. He didn't miss that signal, because he touched his brakes for no reason while I did it, like he might stop for a chat. I know lots of cyclists would consider that pretty normal, but it isn't for me. That was the first time in my many years of driving and cycling that I have ever given someone the bird, and therein lies the tragedy. I pride myself on keeping my cool and refraining from reacting to stuff like that dude's air horn. Civility is important and as my Mother would say, two wrongs don't make a right.

Keep Yer Cool. Until Next Time,

R A N T W I C K